my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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