White coat. Heels.
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
