I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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