Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
