I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
