Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
