i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
