I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
