need another drink. this is the easiest way
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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