I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
