I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Randomize
