he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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