I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
