he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i think im in europe. pls send help
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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