when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm gonna fight the coyote
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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