After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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