hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
