no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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