i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
