Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
