my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
