I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
