So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
