Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
