You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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