made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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