Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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