Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
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