Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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