I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
