Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
