I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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