someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
