I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
