You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
