I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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