So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
