my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
