Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
