sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
