Porn is love you can see.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
