just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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