I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
