omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
