'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
