I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
