is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
