I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
