I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
