I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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