She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
